Family, Sexuality, and Shame

Kacy Liang
Carnegie Mellon University – Arabic Studies

Identity is defined as “the qualities, beliefs, etc., that distinguish or identify a person or thing” (Dictionary.com). For most people, their identity comes from their personal beliefs and ideals. Arab identity, however, is heavily influenced by familial expectations. In particular, for sexual identity and sexuality, a person is often swayed by deep-rooted shame originating from strong family values. The family unit is the most valued part of both modern and traditional Arab identity. In the movies, Caramel and In Between, sexuality and the ensuing shame is pivotal to many of the issues that the characters face, such as hiding gay relationships or feeling at fault for being raped. Similarly, the article “Thinking Past Pride: Queer Arab Shame" highlights the overwhelming impact of family opinion on being queer and how most queer people are shunned from Arab society. Yet, the article is also a source of hope, eluding to a change in traditional and modern queer pride.

Homosexuality in Arab culture is often concealed because heterosexuality is so highly prevalent and expected. Pressure from close family members tends to lead many queer people to feel shame; Rima and Nisrine, protagonists of Caramel are subjected to this standard. As a closeted gay living in conservative Lebanon, Rima’s true and full identity is suppressed by the society around her. The only vaguely homosexual interaction she allows herself is hidden in the back of the salon away from the public’s prying eyes. She fears being rejected and is unable to follow her desires, demonstrating the strength of expectation. Rima’s friend, Nisrine, faces a comparable fear. Cultural expectations demand that all women remain celibate before marriage. However, Nisrine is not a virgin, which causes her a great deal of anxiety and stress right before her wedding. The extent to which pressure–particularly from her mother–dominates her behavior is seen when she undergoes hymen reconstruction surgery. Her sexuality and identity are molded by what Arab tradition tells her to do. The characters of Caramel testify to Arab identity being domineered by family and society, in specific, the dishonor surrounding sexuality.

The element of sexuality and sexual identity eliciting shame among Arab women due to family influence continues in another movie, In Between. In Arab culture, the individual actions of every person in the family contribute to the overall family reputation. One of the three main characters of the movie, Salma, comes from a devout Arab Christian family. Her identity, however, as a gay woman is suppressed by both her religious and ethnic backgrounds. Arab society demands heterosexuality. This is exemplified when Salma’s parents discover her sexuality and threaten to send her to an asylum, likely fearing their reputation will be tarnished. Even Salma’s father’s love for her as a daughter is overcome by his homophobia. He even physically harms her, demonstrating the strength of societal influence. Another instance of Arab identity causing someone to pick family and reputation over personal justice is when Nour is raped by her fiance. Universally, rape is a scarring event, and the victim is fully entitled to retribution. At first, Nour does not seek justice though. Her desires are overcome by family expectations which tell her to stay quiet and be a loving Muslim fiance, regardless of how awful her partner acts. Luckily as society progresses, this pressure of women to remain silent is slowly lifting and can be seen through how Nour’s friends fight back against Ziad. Sexuality remains a shameful topic because Arab families oppress personal expression, illustrated by Salma and Nour.

The author  of “Thinking Past Pride: Queer Arab Shame" echoes the relationship between shame and sexuality in Arab identity. One of the reasons why shame is associated with isolation is that from a young age, Arab children are raised to understand shame because it is built into the Arabic language: “ ‘Ayb,’ the word for shame in Arabic...is closely linked to what is deemed morally wrong by society” (243). What is deemed wrong is homosexuality because traditional Arab families require straight people to continue their lineages. So close is the tie between heterosexuality and Arab families that, “being proud is about sharing with others the parts of you that may cost you your job, your friends, your family, your community” (240). To be queer in this society is to make oneself vulnerable and open to criticism. The stigma around gay people may never go away as the family tree is firmly rooted in society, but the approach to coming out has certainly changed with time. Traditionally, being gay meant living a hidden life. However with changing times, “what characterizes modern sexuality is that...it becomes incumbent upon the self to confess it to the outside world” (240) and as more people are coming out, others are becoming more accepting. Family, nevertheless, remains an important reason for the common practice of shaming non-traditional sexuality and is key to Arab identity.

Strong family values lay the foundation for Arab identity, specifically regarding stigmatized sexuality. Caramel, In Between, and “Thinking Past Pride: Queer Arab Shame" all highlight instances when individuals are obstructed from their true nature whether it be openly expressing their sexuality or fighting for just retribution. However, these pieces of literature demonstrate that what comprises Arab identity is forever changing as society modernizes and moves forward. Identity is not static and neither is culture. 

Works Cited

Georgis, Dina. “Thinking Past Pride: Queer Arab Shame.” Bareed Mista3jil, 2013.

Hamoud, Maysaloun, director. In Between. 2018.

“Identity.” Dictionary.com, 7 Oct. 2019.

Labaki, Nadine, director. Caramel. 2007.