Carnegie Mellon University
Office for Institutional Equity and Title IX  ›  Resources & Information  ›  How to Support a Friend

Ways to Support A Friend Affected by Sexual Misconduct

Supporting a friend who has experienced sexual misconduct can be challenging, but your compassion can make all the difference. Here are some tips and strategies to help a friend who has experienced sexual misconduct, including sex-based harassment, sexual assault, sexual exploitation, dating violence, domestic violence, and stalking (as defined in the Discriminatory and Sexual Misconduct Policy):

  • Listen without judgment: Give your friend the space to share what they feel comfortable with. Listen actively, without interrupting or making assumptions.

  • Validate their feelings: Let them know that what happened is not their fault. Remind them that their feelings are valid, whatever they may be.

  • Ask how you can help: Offer specific ways to support them, such as walking them to Health Services, Counseling and Psychological Services (CaPS), or helping to contact the Office for Institutional Equity and Title IX or University Police. Let them take the lead in deciding what they need.

  • Respect their privacy: Honor their trust by only sharing information with those who need to know in order to help.

  • Avoid prying for details: Let them share what they are comfortable with at their own pace. Don’t push for more information than they are willing to provide.

  • Don’t try to "fix" everything: Your role is to be there for them, not to solve all of their problems. Sometimes just knowing someone is there can make a huge difference.

  • Avoid minimizing their experience: Avoid saying things like "everything will be alright" or "it could have been worse." Instead, acknowledge the impact of what they've been through.

  • Avoid "why" questions: Questions that start with "why" can unintentionally sound blaming or judgmental. Focus on affirming their experience instead.

  • Don’t promise secrecy: Be honest if you may need to tell someone in order to get them the help they need. Emphasize that their safety is the most important thing.

  • Take care of yourself: Supporting someone through a difficult time can be emotionally draining. Make sure you have the support you need, too.

Consider contacting the Office for Institutional Equity and Title IX for support, resources, and guidance. We can discuss your concerns on a hypothetical basis if needed.

Supporting Someone Accused of Sexual Misconduct

We encourage you to use many of the same tips and strategies to support someone who has been accused of misconduct as you would for someone who has been impacted by misconduct. However, it is important to remember that facing an accusation can be an incredibly frightening and isolating experience for the respondent. Here are some key points to keep in mind:

  • Remember the Complexity: It is important to recognize that very few people intentionally and maliciously harm others, though it does happen. In supporting a respondent, consider the range of possibilities, such as:

    • They did something wrong, intentionally, and know it.

    • They did something wrong, unintentionally, and know it.

    • They did something wrong, unintentionally, and do not know it.

    • There are different interpretations or perceptions of the situation between the parties.

    • They did not do anything wrong or violate university policy, but the complainant is acting in good faith.

    • They did not do anything wrong or violate university policy, and the complainant is acting maliciously ("process abuse").

    • Mutual abuse (both parties contributed to the harm, meaning each person may be both a complainant and a respondent).

  • Treat with Empathy: Applying the golden rule "treating the respondent as you would want to be treated" is a good starting point. It is important to provide a non-judgmental and empathetic environment, even while acknowledging the seriousness of the allegations.

  • Avoid Isolation: Isolation and ostracism can have severe negative effects on mental health. Offer support while maintaining appropriate boundaries. Your support can help the respondent cope with the process, but it is important not to endorse harmful behavior.

  • Encourage Understanding of the Process: Help the respondent understand the Discriminatory and Sexual Misconduct Policy and the Title IX procedures. Knowing what to expect can make a difficult process a bit less daunting.

  • Take Care of Yourself: As always, supporting someone in a challenging situation can take a toll on your own wellbeing. Make sure to seek support if you need it and set healthy boundaries.

Refer to the Discriminatory and Sexual Misconduct Policy for more information on definitions and processes regarding accusations.

If You Are Close To Both Parties

Finding yourself close to both the complainant and the respondent is a very challenging position, but it is not an uncommon one. Start by focusing on your own wellbeing. It is crucial to take care of yourself first, as supporting both individuals can be emotionally demanding and exhausting. Review the guidance in the sections above on how to support someone impacted by sexual misconduct and how to support someone accused of sexual misconduct. Understanding both perspectives can help you navigate this difficult situation more effectively.

Think carefully about the role you can and want to play for each person. It may be helpful to have honest conversations with both individuals to determine how they feel about you remaining in touch with the other. Be transparent about your intentions and make sure to respect the boundaries that both parties need. Your role is not to fix the situation but to provide a source of support, without taking sides or minimizing the experiences of either party.

Maintaining good boundaries is key. Set clear limits on what you are able and willing to do for each person to ensure that you do not become overwhelmed or overly involved. Remember that your own emotional wellbeing is just as important. Supporting both parties can create a feeling of being pulled in different directions, and it is important to acknowledge these emotions and seek support if needed.

Isolation and ostracism are significant risks for both parties involved in a misconduct report. If you feel comfortable, try to make sure neither the complainant nor the respondent feels abandoned or isolated. Be present without taking sides, and strive to be a compassionate listener to both individuals.

Consulting the IEX Office can be extremely beneficial in navigating such a complex situation. Our office can provide resources, guidance, and support while maintaining confidentiality where possible. Remember that the IEX Office is here to help you understand the appropriate boundaries and to ensure that all actions align with university policies.

Most importantly, remember that this is not an easy position to be in. It is okay to step back and take care of yourself when needed. Seeking help from friends, counselors, or support networks can be critical in ensuring your own emotional health throughout this process.

Refer to the Discriminatory and Sexual Misconduct Policy for specific information about maintaining appropriate boundaries in such complex situations.